After Christmas

Seems like time just keeps flying by for us. Christmas is over, we have had a break from work, and tomorrow it's back to it. We have made it through another year, another holiday, even if this one felt more like the first than the second. I think we were in shock last year and didn't know what we were thinking or feeling. We had friends over yesterday for a get together. It was nice to visit with friends we don't see as often as we would like.
I painted yesterday for the first time in a long time. I actually painted two pictures in one day which is very rare for me. This was the first one that I did. I have to admit I have very pleased with this one. It's nice to paint again and do something creative. I need it.

Things that you remember

A year ago yesterday Chris had his last CT scan. We had a feeling before they even took him down for it that it was not going to turn out well. We wanted it to be okay, but we had been through so much that we just had a feeling that it was not going to go well. The day after the CT the doctor came in a talked to us. When they bring in reinforcements then you know that the news isn't going to be good. The doctor sat down with us and told us the news. The tumor in his chest wasn't growing anymore, but there were lymph nodes in other parts of his abdomen that were lighting up. We had given up believing that they were going to be anything other than lymphoma. From this point on, the next few weeks were all about making Chris as comfortable as possible, and trying to enjoy the time we had left. It's hard to do that when you know that anytime you do something could be the last time. But we did what we had to do. I don't know how we did it to be honest. We just did. It's one of those things you have no choice about so you do the very best that you can. I wonder sometimes, especially when I'm really down if we did the right things. Did we do what Chris wanted, did he know how hard it was, did we know what he was going through, being 18 and being told that his life that should have been measured in years was being measured in weeks. We all know that we are on limited time and that we can die any day, but when you are told that your son is going to die, and there is nothing what so ever that you can do about it, but try and make him comfortable and enjoy the time you have with him, it will rock your world.
We are coming up on a year and it's like a freight train barreling down on us. We couldn't stop it then and we can't stop it now. So we ride along and we cry, and we laugh and we miss Chris. We are thankful for everyday that we had with him, for all the memories all the laughs, and all the love that he left us with.

11 Months

It doesn't seem possible that it's 11 months since we lost Chris. I don't know how we have made it this far. We have been through a lot since I last posted anything here. We moved, made some changes in lifestyle, been through some ups and downs, have continued to grieve for Chris, and have grown some what. I can't believe that we have come as far as we have and I can only hope that we continue to grow.
Today was hard, nothing to do at work, so lots of time to think, and remember. I can remember that day like it just happened, but I try not to. It's too hard, to fresh, too there. I wrote a poem for Chris, first time I've ever done that. I will have to publish it I guess. It's just one more way to get something out. I'm continuing to work on my dissertation and can't believe the things that people write about parents who have lost children. Just when I think that they are all idiots someone actually writes something that makes sense, and every once in a while someone writes something that really strikes a cord with me. There are a few people that get it. It makes me wonder if they might have lost a child, or a sibling. It seems that some have insight into what it's like, and I wonder if they saw their parents go through something like this.
So another month has come and gone, and we will get through September, trying to remember, and trying not to. But we will remember, and when we get to the end we will celebrate Chris's life with a wake. We will sing and laugh and cry and celebrate and remember our Mopigeon.

Fathers Day

Well we managed to survive both Fathers day and Mother's day. Now it's just a matter of getting through the next couple of weeks and getting moved. It's hard to celebrate holidays when a part of you is missing. We got through, but it's just that, getting through. I continue to work on my dissertation and continue to be amazed at what people write about the process of grief. They don't understand. People say things to you, we haven't heard a lot of it, but we have talked to others that have heard it. Telling people that it's been (insert what ever length of time here) and they should get over it and move on. How do you move on when a piece of your heart is gone. We hear about someone's child dieing and our hearts just break, it doesn't matter how old the person or how old their child is.
At the same time, through all of this, I think about Chris, the time we spent with him and the time we have spent trying to honor him. I would say mourning, because that is part of it, but what Chris did in his life, the people that he touched, the difference he made makes us want to honor him. From here on out that is what we are trying to do, honor our son, and make sure that his legacy is one that continues. Remember the good times, the love and use those memories to get through the bad days.

Graduations, and such

The last week or so has been crazy. We got through mothers day without a lot of problems, but as the week wore on it just seemed to wear on all of us. Saturday the 17th Independence HS had graduation. They invited us and it was hard but we went. The mentioned Chris on the back of their programs. A small memorial that touched out hearts. On the 19th Alec graduated from Rio Rancho. There ceremony was larger and much less personal than when Chris graduated a year ago, but with 800 + kids you can't expect it to be personal. Mom, Todd and Nikki came over and we had a nice if too short visit.
The last week after Alec's graduation just seemed to go down hill. Alec went through so much in the last year, but he still finished. He lost his twin, his girlfriend, and had to put up with the jerks at his school. The principle I could spend a ton of time writing about, but he's not worth the effort.
And now that the celebrations are over what's left. Reality, and right now reality just sucks. Yesterday was a year that we found out Chris's cancer was back, and even though we didn't know it at the time we were at the beginning of the end. How did it come to that? How does an 18-year-old young man get to the point that he has cancer and dies. I don't know, even though I was there and saw it.
Right now the pain is intense and every time I see his picture I feel the pain in my heart increase. I don't know what to do about it, and I know that there isn't anything I can do about it. I just heart. Cyndi and I are both going through the same thing, it hurts, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing short of Chris walking through the door and calling out to us, and we all know that can't happen. So we go on, and we put on these faces for the people we work with, and the people we are around. We are good at that. It's a trick that parents in our place learn, put on the face for the people around you so they don't have to be upset by our pain. At least at home we don't have to pretend, because we both know that we are in pain.

May

We have gotten through another month, a flood in our house, a visit from a very dear cousin, and more long days. How does the world continue to move on, I don't have an answer for that, but I know that it does. Cyndi had a poem published in The Compassionate Friends newsletter. It was very nice and really talked about Chris and what it means to us not to have him with us.
Alec will be graduating soon, and that is wonderful and painful at the same time. We are dealing with the joys of his accomplishments as well as the memories of Chris's graduation. What ever happens we will deal with it and be grateful that Alec has achieved this milestone. Every spring we will remember Chris' graduation, we will also remember the news we got a week later, that the cancer had returned. We didn't know it at the time, but it was the beginning of the end. From that time on we were chasing something that was never going to happen. But what did happen was we watched a young man blossom and grow and face things no one his age should ever have to deal with. But deal with them he did. We could not have been more proud of our son. In time I know that we will see him again and when that day comes all the pain and tears will be gone, and we will only have the joy of being together again.

Another month

Today is 6 months that Chris died. I spent most of today working on websites in his memory. We went to The Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. It was good to see our friends there and visit with them. Looking at pictures and posting them was hard. Seeing Chris's smile and knowing that we will never see that smile on this side of life again is so hard to deal with. But we survived the day, as we have survived every other day.

The pipe in the house is fixed, and tomorrow the adjuster is coming to look at the rest of the damage and will be figuring out what needs to be done to fix that. After I posted yesterday I was able to talk to some people who were willing to get some things done. That was nice to see happen.

This is short, too short to mark the 6 month anniversary of Chris's passing, but I've written else where. http://mylovingtribute.ning.com/profile/RodneyReinhardt is the memorial site I've been working on. Hopefully I will have it the way I want it soon. Something that is appropriate for such a fine young man.

Customer Service

Last night we came home to find the back portion of the house flooded. Water in both bathrooms, Alec's room, Chris's room and part of our room. Just what we needed right. So we started cleaning up, getting a shop vac to suck up the water, getting fans going to try and dry things out. Just a lovely way to spend the evening. Of course we had to shut the water off so we have no water. I called the home owners insurance last night and they were very helpful, had someone from emergency services call me back, gave me a claim number everything.
This morning I called a plumber as well as someone to deal with the water. They got right out here and started checking things out. The insurance people told me someone would be calling me in the morning. That's where the problems started. The insurance said that before they would do anything they had to come out and look at the damage. The first time frame they gave me was between Friday and next Thursday. I explained that we don't have water and can't be expected to live in a house that long without water, not to mention we have pets that need to be cared for. They will pay for us to stay in a motel, and board our pets, but they won't get someone out here to look at our house. Now they are saying that someone will come out on Friday between 8 and 11, but that will put the plumbers working on Saturday, or the job not getting done until Monday. Needless to say none of this is acceptable to us. We may be stuck with it, but it isn't acceptable.
Customer service seems to be a thing of the past. No one seems to want to do anything to make sure that people get taken care of. I don't understand that way of thinking. Not for a minute. Right now I sure don't feel like we are in good hands.

Another month

Another month is almost gone. It's not getting any easier, its not getting any better it's just going along being a waking nightmare. I don't know what it will take to make things better. Well there are a couple of things, but they are not going to happen. I think the number one thing is Alec needs to make some changes in his life, and his relationship. But he's not ready for another loss in his life. He has spent so long in this relationship that he doesn't know what to do without her. I get that, but I don't know that he will ever reach that point. It's like Tom and his GED test. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and go for it. I understand that they are afraid, but fear cannot rule a life, it will just ruin it.
At this point I just want the drama to be over with. The drama with the kids, the drama with work, the drama with all of it. But that isn't the nature of life, we have drama, over and over. I guess I should quit my complaining and get on with life, but the truth is I miss my son. My sons, and I don't want to go on with feeling this way. I don't have a choice, and I will continue, but I don't like a bit of it. But we will go on, and on because that is what we have to do.
Lots of rambling today, not a lot of sense. Guess some days are going to be like that.

Easter

It doesn't seem possible that it's Easter already. It's one more thing that has passed by since Chris died. Easter used to be a big deal for use, Easter Sunday services, all the things leading up to it, the special nature of an Easter service. Now it's another day, not any other day, I still recognize the significance of the day and what it means for those of us who believe in Christ, but I have a hard time getting enthused for the holiday.
When you have a child that is sick, most people don't understand that there isn't a part of your life that is not effected. Nothing is immune. When your child dies it doesn't just effect your life, it changes every part of your life. And that is exactly what is going on, our life has been changed and we can't do anything to make it go back to the way it was. I talked to an old friend this week who didn't know anything about what we had gone through in the last year. She was devastated when I told her that Chris had died. I had to try and comfort her. I guess I have had more time to get used to the idea. Get used to it, there's a joke, we adapt, but we get used to the pain, it becomes a part of us I guess.
Now the drama is continuing only it's getting worse. If feels like we are losing another son, and there is nothing we can do about it. Well there is, we can give into someone who treats our son poorly and is disrespectful to us. Allow her to have her way and run our home the way she runs our son, but there is no way we can live with that, so here we are, watching another child leave. I guess like everything else we have been through we will survive this. Some how, some way we will survive, because that is what we do.

Drama, it's better in movies

I'm too old to deal with drama, but there seems to be way to much of it going on in our lives right now. It's crazy and there is no need for it, but it's there. We didn't have daughters, yet we have teen aged girls at the heart of the drama. I have a hard time understanding it. By the time I was the age my sons are I was in the Army, in Germany, or Texas, taking care of equipment and having responsibility. I can't relate to running around having all this stuff going on. I love kids, and I love my kids, but enough is really enough.
If the drama at home wasn't enough my job is up in the air and I don't know that is going to happen. But to be honest I don't even care. It will take care of it's self. Everyone seems to think that regardless we will still have jobs, just in a different form. I guess that makes sense, take a program that works and get rid of it. Even if they decide that they don't want me, it's not the end of the world, I've been through worse in the last year and survived that.

After comps

I spent so much time focusing on comps that I didn't spend much of that time being overly focused on Chris. I knew that the comps had to be done, so I could keep my mind focused there. Now that it's over all that time spent on comps has come back to me.
So now every moment I spend not busy is spent thinking about Chris and what we are missing in our lives. We went to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends last week. It was helpful and at the same time very sad. All these parents sitting there who had lost their children through one kind of tragedy or another. It doesn't seem fair or right, but then again we are not crazy enough to actually believe that life is fair. If it were fair then people like Charles Manson would have died long before they could have inflicted their pain and hurt on the world, and children who never hurt anyone would not have to die. I don't pretend to even think that I can understand the logic of things when faced with that kind of inconsistency. But as they say that's above my paygrade, way above my paygrade.
Things at work seem to be falling apart pretty fast. Right now it looks like my time as a Functional Family Therapist is about over. What that is going to mean for me staying with the state I don't know. I can't say that I'm really all that twisted up about it. I guess I figure that something will come up. The word is that they are working on positions for us. Of course that doesn't mean it's going to be a position that I want, but at this point as long as I still have a job that's fine. Maybe something where I'm not doing as much therapy with families would be better for me. I don't know anymore. 

Comps are done and other random thoughts.

Got my call yesterday from school and I passed my comps. Boy am I glad those are done and out of the way. I would have felt pretty foolish if I had to do a rewrite after we went to Las Vegas. Las Vegas was a blast. We stayed up too late, didn't gamble much at all, and just had a great time. I also added two more states to the number of states I've Cached in. After all its' only 30 miles or so to the CA/NV state line. So we drove over and grabbed a couple in CA.

Now that the comps are over I need to get my dissertation going, but I have a little time before starting that. In the mean time I'm going to try and enjoy the moment.

A Year,

Most people have no idea how much their lives can change in a year. We have no idea how much we can endoure, no idea how much we can deal with, and how much we would give to go back to the beginning and change everything.
One year ago this week Chris went to urgent care and instead of the bronchitis we thought he had we found out that there was a tumor growing in the middle of his chest. 18 year olds are not supposed to have tumors growing in their chests, but we all know it happens all the time. But not to us. Well this time it did happen to us. Tumor found on Monday Jan 22. Biopsy on Tuesday, Wednesday we sat around waiting on results, we knew it was lymphoma, and even found out it was non Hodgkins lymphoma, but that was it. Thursday we found out what kind, acute lymphoblastic t-cell lymphoma. That was the curve ball. The oncologist we were seeing had told Chris he would treat what ever it was, unless it was lymphoblastic t-cell, then he was sending Chris to University of New Mexico Pediatric Cancer Center. Thursday we took Chris home, with an appointment to go to UNM the next day. We went to the appointment, and instead of bringing Chris home he was admitted so they could moniter his kidneys. 10 days, he was in the hospital. They did a spinal tap, bone marrow biopsy and placed a medical port in this chest so they could give him medication through that and not start an IV everytime he had to get chemo. I would not have believed that the first admission would be the second longest he had. The last was the longest.
At the time we had every reason to believe Chris was going to be fine. We weren't in denial, we knew that it could go bad, but everyone we talked to was confident that he was going to be fine. About 9 months of really agressive treatment, then maintance until early 2009. 2 years.
We should be celebrating Chris having made it through his first year. Instead we are coming up on 4 months since he died. We had no idea. The day he graduated from high school the cancer was back, and we wouldn't find out for a week. We had no way of knowing, and we ended up spending the last few months of Chris's life scrambling to find something to get him into remission.
We think of Chris everyday, we want him with us and know it won't, can't happen, but we hold him in our heart. Hearts that have big holes in them that will never be filled. How could they be. How do you get over the death of your child. You don't, you learn that your life will always be different. You learn to live with different. That's what my GROWW.COM friends tell me. Most of them have been in the club longer than we have. It's not a club anyone wants to be in, but trust me we are so glad that there are others there who have been through this and know what we are dealing with. We help each other, because this is not something to go through alone. It's only with the help of others that we make it through. I wish that no one else would ever have to join the club, but I know that there are new people experiencing the pain we have been through every day.

Comps, and such

Tomorrow I have my conference call for comps. I don't know what to expect, but I have put comps off long enough and it's time to get this done. It's going to be a month of hard work but once that is done then I can get to work on my research.

We have made it through this month okay so far. Cyndi and I have both had bad days, but most of them have been better than I was expecting. It's still hard to move into a new year without Chris. As Alec said, we have no memories of Chris in 2008 and that is going to be the worst part of the New Year. I know that Chris is watching over us and we hope that we are doing right by him.