Things that you remember

A year ago yesterday Chris had his last CT scan. We had a feeling before they even took him down for it that it was not going to turn out well. We wanted it to be okay, but we had been through so much that we just had a feeling that it was not going to go well. The day after the CT the doctor came in a talked to us. When they bring in reinforcements then you know that the news isn't going to be good. The doctor sat down with us and told us the news. The tumor in his chest wasn't growing anymore, but there were lymph nodes in other parts of his abdomen that were lighting up. We had given up believing that they were going to be anything other than lymphoma. From this point on, the next few weeks were all about making Chris as comfortable as possible, and trying to enjoy the time we had left. It's hard to do that when you know that anytime you do something could be the last time. But we did what we had to do. I don't know how we did it to be honest. We just did. It's one of those things you have no choice about so you do the very best that you can. I wonder sometimes, especially when I'm really down if we did the right things. Did we do what Chris wanted, did he know how hard it was, did we know what he was going through, being 18 and being told that his life that should have been measured in years was being measured in weeks. We all know that we are on limited time and that we can die any day, but when you are told that your son is going to die, and there is nothing what so ever that you can do about it, but try and make him comfortable and enjoy the time you have with him, it will rock your world.
We are coming up on a year and it's like a freight train barreling down on us. We couldn't stop it then and we can't stop it now. So we ride along and we cry, and we laugh and we miss Chris. We are thankful for everyday that we had with him, for all the memories all the laughs, and all the love that he left us with.

11 Months

It doesn't seem possible that it's 11 months since we lost Chris. I don't know how we have made it this far. We have been through a lot since I last posted anything here. We moved, made some changes in lifestyle, been through some ups and downs, have continued to grieve for Chris, and have grown some what. I can't believe that we have come as far as we have and I can only hope that we continue to grow.
Today was hard, nothing to do at work, so lots of time to think, and remember. I can remember that day like it just happened, but I try not to. It's too hard, to fresh, too there. I wrote a poem for Chris, first time I've ever done that. I will have to publish it I guess. It's just one more way to get something out. I'm continuing to work on my dissertation and can't believe the things that people write about parents who have lost children. Just when I think that they are all idiots someone actually writes something that makes sense, and every once in a while someone writes something that really strikes a cord with me. There are a few people that get it. It makes me wonder if they might have lost a child, or a sibling. It seems that some have insight into what it's like, and I wonder if they saw their parents go through something like this.
So another month has come and gone, and we will get through September, trying to remember, and trying not to. But we will remember, and when we get to the end we will celebrate Chris's life with a wake. We will sing and laugh and cry and celebrate and remember our Mopigeon.