Another month

Another month is almost gone. It's not getting any easier, its not getting any better it's just going along being a waking nightmare. I don't know what it will take to make things better. Well there are a couple of things, but they are not going to happen. I think the number one thing is Alec needs to make some changes in his life, and his relationship. But he's not ready for another loss in his life. He has spent so long in this relationship that he doesn't know what to do without her. I get that, but I don't know that he will ever reach that point. It's like Tom and his GED test. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and go for it. I understand that they are afraid, but fear cannot rule a life, it will just ruin it.
At this point I just want the drama to be over with. The drama with the kids, the drama with work, the drama with all of it. But that isn't the nature of life, we have drama, over and over. I guess I should quit my complaining and get on with life, but the truth is I miss my son. My sons, and I don't want to go on with feeling this way. I don't have a choice, and I will continue, but I don't like a bit of it. But we will go on, and on because that is what we have to do.
Lots of rambling today, not a lot of sense. Guess some days are going to be like that.

Easter

It doesn't seem possible that it's Easter already. It's one more thing that has passed by since Chris died. Easter used to be a big deal for use, Easter Sunday services, all the things leading up to it, the special nature of an Easter service. Now it's another day, not any other day, I still recognize the significance of the day and what it means for those of us who believe in Christ, but I have a hard time getting enthused for the holiday.
When you have a child that is sick, most people don't understand that there isn't a part of your life that is not effected. Nothing is immune. When your child dies it doesn't just effect your life, it changes every part of your life. And that is exactly what is going on, our life has been changed and we can't do anything to make it go back to the way it was. I talked to an old friend this week who didn't know anything about what we had gone through in the last year. She was devastated when I told her that Chris had died. I had to try and comfort her. I guess I have had more time to get used to the idea. Get used to it, there's a joke, we adapt, but we get used to the pain, it becomes a part of us I guess.
Now the drama is continuing only it's getting worse. If feels like we are losing another son, and there is nothing we can do about it. Well there is, we can give into someone who treats our son poorly and is disrespectful to us. Allow her to have her way and run our home the way she runs our son, but there is no way we can live with that, so here we are, watching another child leave. I guess like everything else we have been through we will survive this. Some how, some way we will survive, because that is what we do.

Drama, it's better in movies

I'm too old to deal with drama, but there seems to be way to much of it going on in our lives right now. It's crazy and there is no need for it, but it's there. We didn't have daughters, yet we have teen aged girls at the heart of the drama. I have a hard time understanding it. By the time I was the age my sons are I was in the Army, in Germany, or Texas, taking care of equipment and having responsibility. I can't relate to running around having all this stuff going on. I love kids, and I love my kids, but enough is really enough.
If the drama at home wasn't enough my job is up in the air and I don't know that is going to happen. But to be honest I don't even care. It will take care of it's self. Everyone seems to think that regardless we will still have jobs, just in a different form. I guess that makes sense, take a program that works and get rid of it. Even if they decide that they don't want me, it's not the end of the world, I've been through worse in the last year and survived that.

After comps

I spent so much time focusing on comps that I didn't spend much of that time being overly focused on Chris. I knew that the comps had to be done, so I could keep my mind focused there. Now that it's over all that time spent on comps has come back to me.
So now every moment I spend not busy is spent thinking about Chris and what we are missing in our lives. We went to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends last week. It was helpful and at the same time very sad. All these parents sitting there who had lost their children through one kind of tragedy or another. It doesn't seem fair or right, but then again we are not crazy enough to actually believe that life is fair. If it were fair then people like Charles Manson would have died long before they could have inflicted their pain and hurt on the world, and children who never hurt anyone would not have to die. I don't pretend to even think that I can understand the logic of things when faced with that kind of inconsistency. But as they say that's above my paygrade, way above my paygrade.
Things at work seem to be falling apart pretty fast. Right now it looks like my time as a Functional Family Therapist is about over. What that is going to mean for me staying with the state I don't know. I can't say that I'm really all that twisted up about it. I guess I figure that something will come up. The word is that they are working on positions for us. Of course that doesn't mean it's going to be a position that I want, but at this point as long as I still have a job that's fine. Maybe something where I'm not doing as much therapy with families would be better for me. I don't know anymore.