Graduations, and such

The last week or so has been crazy. We got through mothers day without a lot of problems, but as the week wore on it just seemed to wear on all of us. Saturday the 17th Independence HS had graduation. They invited us and it was hard but we went. The mentioned Chris on the back of their programs. A small memorial that touched out hearts. On the 19th Alec graduated from Rio Rancho. There ceremony was larger and much less personal than when Chris graduated a year ago, but with 800 + kids you can't expect it to be personal. Mom, Todd and Nikki came over and we had a nice if too short visit.
The last week after Alec's graduation just seemed to go down hill. Alec went through so much in the last year, but he still finished. He lost his twin, his girlfriend, and had to put up with the jerks at his school. The principle I could spend a ton of time writing about, but he's not worth the effort.
And now that the celebrations are over what's left. Reality, and right now reality just sucks. Yesterday was a year that we found out Chris's cancer was back, and even though we didn't know it at the time we were at the beginning of the end. How did it come to that? How does an 18-year-old young man get to the point that he has cancer and dies. I don't know, even though I was there and saw it.
Right now the pain is intense and every time I see his picture I feel the pain in my heart increase. I don't know what to do about it, and I know that there isn't anything I can do about it. I just heart. Cyndi and I are both going through the same thing, it hurts, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing short of Chris walking through the door and calling out to us, and we all know that can't happen. So we go on, and we put on these faces for the people we work with, and the people we are around. We are good at that. It's a trick that parents in our place learn, put on the face for the people around you so they don't have to be upset by our pain. At least at home we don't have to pretend, because we both know that we are in pain.

May

We have gotten through another month, a flood in our house, a visit from a very dear cousin, and more long days. How does the world continue to move on, I don't have an answer for that, but I know that it does. Cyndi had a poem published in The Compassionate Friends newsletter. It was very nice and really talked about Chris and what it means to us not to have him with us.
Alec will be graduating soon, and that is wonderful and painful at the same time. We are dealing with the joys of his accomplishments as well as the memories of Chris's graduation. What ever happens we will deal with it and be grateful that Alec has achieved this milestone. Every spring we will remember Chris' graduation, we will also remember the news we got a week later, that the cancer had returned. We didn't know it at the time, but it was the beginning of the end. From that time on we were chasing something that was never going to happen. But what did happen was we watched a young man blossom and grow and face things no one his age should ever have to deal with. But deal with them he did. We could not have been more proud of our son. In time I know that we will see him again and when that day comes all the pain and tears will be gone, and we will only have the joy of being together again.