A Year,

Most people have no idea how much their lives can change in a year. We have no idea how much we can endoure, no idea how much we can deal with, and how much we would give to go back to the beginning and change everything.
One year ago this week Chris went to urgent care and instead of the bronchitis we thought he had we found out that there was a tumor growing in the middle of his chest. 18 year olds are not supposed to have tumors growing in their chests, but we all know it happens all the time. But not to us. Well this time it did happen to us. Tumor found on Monday Jan 22. Biopsy on Tuesday, Wednesday we sat around waiting on results, we knew it was lymphoma, and even found out it was non Hodgkins lymphoma, but that was it. Thursday we found out what kind, acute lymphoblastic t-cell lymphoma. That was the curve ball. The oncologist we were seeing had told Chris he would treat what ever it was, unless it was lymphoblastic t-cell, then he was sending Chris to University of New Mexico Pediatric Cancer Center. Thursday we took Chris home, with an appointment to go to UNM the next day. We went to the appointment, and instead of bringing Chris home he was admitted so they could moniter his kidneys. 10 days, he was in the hospital. They did a spinal tap, bone marrow biopsy and placed a medical port in this chest so they could give him medication through that and not start an IV everytime he had to get chemo. I would not have believed that the first admission would be the second longest he had. The last was the longest.
At the time we had every reason to believe Chris was going to be fine. We weren't in denial, we knew that it could go bad, but everyone we talked to was confident that he was going to be fine. About 9 months of really agressive treatment, then maintance until early 2009. 2 years.
We should be celebrating Chris having made it through his first year. Instead we are coming up on 4 months since he died. We had no idea. The day he graduated from high school the cancer was back, and we wouldn't find out for a week. We had no way of knowing, and we ended up spending the last few months of Chris's life scrambling to find something to get him into remission.
We think of Chris everyday, we want him with us and know it won't, can't happen, but we hold him in our heart. Hearts that have big holes in them that will never be filled. How could they be. How do you get over the death of your child. You don't, you learn that your life will always be different. You learn to live with different. That's what my GROWW.COM friends tell me. Most of them have been in the club longer than we have. It's not a club anyone wants to be in, but trust me we are so glad that there are others there who have been through this and know what we are dealing with. We help each other, because this is not something to go through alone. It's only with the help of others that we make it through. I wish that no one else would ever have to join the club, but I know that there are new people experiencing the pain we have been through every day.

Comps, and such

Tomorrow I have my conference call for comps. I don't know what to expect, but I have put comps off long enough and it's time to get this done. It's going to be a month of hard work but once that is done then I can get to work on my research.

We have made it through this month okay so far. Cyndi and I have both had bad days, but most of them have been better than I was expecting. It's still hard to move into a new year without Chris. As Alec said, we have no memories of Chris in 2008 and that is going to be the worst part of the New Year. I know that Chris is watching over us and we hope that we are doing right by him.