After Christmas

Seems like time just keeps flying by for us. Christmas is over, we have had a break from work, and tomorrow it's back to it. We have made it through another year, another holiday, even if this one felt more like the first than the second. I think we were in shock last year and didn't know what we were thinking or feeling. We had friends over yesterday for a get together. It was nice to visit with friends we don't see as often as we would like.
I painted yesterday for the first time in a long time. I actually painted two pictures in one day which is very rare for me. This was the first one that I did. I have to admit I have very pleased with this one. It's nice to paint again and do something creative. I need it.

Things that you remember

A year ago yesterday Chris had his last CT scan. We had a feeling before they even took him down for it that it was not going to turn out well. We wanted it to be okay, but we had been through so much that we just had a feeling that it was not going to go well. The day after the CT the doctor came in a talked to us. When they bring in reinforcements then you know that the news isn't going to be good. The doctor sat down with us and told us the news. The tumor in his chest wasn't growing anymore, but there were lymph nodes in other parts of his abdomen that were lighting up. We had given up believing that they were going to be anything other than lymphoma. From this point on, the next few weeks were all about making Chris as comfortable as possible, and trying to enjoy the time we had left. It's hard to do that when you know that anytime you do something could be the last time. But we did what we had to do. I don't know how we did it to be honest. We just did. It's one of those things you have no choice about so you do the very best that you can. I wonder sometimes, especially when I'm really down if we did the right things. Did we do what Chris wanted, did he know how hard it was, did we know what he was going through, being 18 and being told that his life that should have been measured in years was being measured in weeks. We all know that we are on limited time and that we can die any day, but when you are told that your son is going to die, and there is nothing what so ever that you can do about it, but try and make him comfortable and enjoy the time you have with him, it will rock your world.
We are coming up on a year and it's like a freight train barreling down on us. We couldn't stop it then and we can't stop it now. So we ride along and we cry, and we laugh and we miss Chris. We are thankful for everyday that we had with him, for all the memories all the laughs, and all the love that he left us with.

11 Months

It doesn't seem possible that it's 11 months since we lost Chris. I don't know how we have made it this far. We have been through a lot since I last posted anything here. We moved, made some changes in lifestyle, been through some ups and downs, have continued to grieve for Chris, and have grown some what. I can't believe that we have come as far as we have and I can only hope that we continue to grow.
Today was hard, nothing to do at work, so lots of time to think, and remember. I can remember that day like it just happened, but I try not to. It's too hard, to fresh, too there. I wrote a poem for Chris, first time I've ever done that. I will have to publish it I guess. It's just one more way to get something out. I'm continuing to work on my dissertation and can't believe the things that people write about parents who have lost children. Just when I think that they are all idiots someone actually writes something that makes sense, and every once in a while someone writes something that really strikes a cord with me. There are a few people that get it. It makes me wonder if they might have lost a child, or a sibling. It seems that some have insight into what it's like, and I wonder if they saw their parents go through something like this.
So another month has come and gone, and we will get through September, trying to remember, and trying not to. But we will remember, and when we get to the end we will celebrate Chris's life with a wake. We will sing and laugh and cry and celebrate and remember our Mopigeon.

Fathers Day

Well we managed to survive both Fathers day and Mother's day. Now it's just a matter of getting through the next couple of weeks and getting moved. It's hard to celebrate holidays when a part of you is missing. We got through, but it's just that, getting through. I continue to work on my dissertation and continue to be amazed at what people write about the process of grief. They don't understand. People say things to you, we haven't heard a lot of it, but we have talked to others that have heard it. Telling people that it's been (insert what ever length of time here) and they should get over it and move on. How do you move on when a piece of your heart is gone. We hear about someone's child dieing and our hearts just break, it doesn't matter how old the person or how old their child is.
At the same time, through all of this, I think about Chris, the time we spent with him and the time we have spent trying to honor him. I would say mourning, because that is part of it, but what Chris did in his life, the people that he touched, the difference he made makes us want to honor him. From here on out that is what we are trying to do, honor our son, and make sure that his legacy is one that continues. Remember the good times, the love and use those memories to get through the bad days.

Graduations, and such

The last week or so has been crazy. We got through mothers day without a lot of problems, but as the week wore on it just seemed to wear on all of us. Saturday the 17th Independence HS had graduation. They invited us and it was hard but we went. The mentioned Chris on the back of their programs. A small memorial that touched out hearts. On the 19th Alec graduated from Rio Rancho. There ceremony was larger and much less personal than when Chris graduated a year ago, but with 800 + kids you can't expect it to be personal. Mom, Todd and Nikki came over and we had a nice if too short visit.
The last week after Alec's graduation just seemed to go down hill. Alec went through so much in the last year, but he still finished. He lost his twin, his girlfriend, and had to put up with the jerks at his school. The principle I could spend a ton of time writing about, but he's not worth the effort.
And now that the celebrations are over what's left. Reality, and right now reality just sucks. Yesterday was a year that we found out Chris's cancer was back, and even though we didn't know it at the time we were at the beginning of the end. How did it come to that? How does an 18-year-old young man get to the point that he has cancer and dies. I don't know, even though I was there and saw it.
Right now the pain is intense and every time I see his picture I feel the pain in my heart increase. I don't know what to do about it, and I know that there isn't anything I can do about it. I just heart. Cyndi and I are both going through the same thing, it hurts, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing short of Chris walking through the door and calling out to us, and we all know that can't happen. So we go on, and we put on these faces for the people we work with, and the people we are around. We are good at that. It's a trick that parents in our place learn, put on the face for the people around you so they don't have to be upset by our pain. At least at home we don't have to pretend, because we both know that we are in pain.

May

We have gotten through another month, a flood in our house, a visit from a very dear cousin, and more long days. How does the world continue to move on, I don't have an answer for that, but I know that it does. Cyndi had a poem published in The Compassionate Friends newsletter. It was very nice and really talked about Chris and what it means to us not to have him with us.
Alec will be graduating soon, and that is wonderful and painful at the same time. We are dealing with the joys of his accomplishments as well as the memories of Chris's graduation. What ever happens we will deal with it and be grateful that Alec has achieved this milestone. Every spring we will remember Chris' graduation, we will also remember the news we got a week later, that the cancer had returned. We didn't know it at the time, but it was the beginning of the end. From that time on we were chasing something that was never going to happen. But what did happen was we watched a young man blossom and grow and face things no one his age should ever have to deal with. But deal with them he did. We could not have been more proud of our son. In time I know that we will see him again and when that day comes all the pain and tears will be gone, and we will only have the joy of being together again.

Another month

Today is 6 months that Chris died. I spent most of today working on websites in his memory. We went to The Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. It was good to see our friends there and visit with them. Looking at pictures and posting them was hard. Seeing Chris's smile and knowing that we will never see that smile on this side of life again is so hard to deal with. But we survived the day, as we have survived every other day.

The pipe in the house is fixed, and tomorrow the adjuster is coming to look at the rest of the damage and will be figuring out what needs to be done to fix that. After I posted yesterday I was able to talk to some people who were willing to get some things done. That was nice to see happen.

This is short, too short to mark the 6 month anniversary of Chris's passing, but I've written else where. http://mylovingtribute.ning.com/profile/RodneyReinhardt is the memorial site I've been working on. Hopefully I will have it the way I want it soon. Something that is appropriate for such a fine young man.